Cruiser — It’s about the walnuts
By: Cruiser
I am big. There was a time where I was less big. Like Rosie big. If you don’t know Rosie, you will. We all know Rosie.
The day started the right way, as I remember. Breakfast. I hadn’t learned the spin move that tells Dad that I’m ready for my meal. I now know he must see me do it or I don’t get fed. [Narrator: But he does get fed. all the time. 5 cups a day. he’s far from starving]
I learned something from Sequoia. Something forbidden. She showed me how to find the crunchies. They have a hard outside and a glorious chewy inside. Full of flavour, full of “DELICIOUS”
I gorged. I should have known better, but I was just a pup. I was still carried around like a baby by the small humans. I could never have known what was going to happen next.
The Smallest Human was having a party. Full of balloons, food, glorious food, some of the humans (tiny and big) seemed to have formed groups and were throwing things at each other – things that flew like sticks, but straight and small. I was put into my pergatory place. It was a space where I couldn’t get into trouble. Couldn’t chew what I shouldn’t. Couldn’t run into the road. Couldn’t eat the food that was so wonderfully put out for me.
Then I felt it. The rumble. Seems the chewies should have been eaten with less haste. The rumble became a vortex, and suddenly it was asking – no – screaming to be let out. The humans were outside, they couldn’t hear me whine. I wanted to be out. I wanted to do my business out. But alas… I was not able. A mess was made.
Lauren, a full human who managed the tiny humans, was the one to find me. She found Dad. Poor Lauren and poor Dad had to bathe me nose to tail. I was covered and messy and confused. I didn’t understand. How could something so tasty be so bad? Later I asked Hilux. He scoffed at me. Told me that we should only eat the food provided, and maybe sometihng dead when we’re on a walk. None of this chewy stuff. I then asked Sequoia, she knows. She said that she told me ‘no more than 5 Cruiser, it’ll hurt you later’. I am Cruiser. I can have one thought at a time, this was a moment of two and I forgot.
— Cruiser
St. Bernard / Bernese Mountain Dog / Cleaned / Very Good Boy
Full Code Appendix filed here →
### HILUX — DEAR DIARY, DAY 1531
By: Officer Obnoxious (Hilux)
Day 1531. Season 5 of the sky raisins.
I’ve reviewed the incident. I’ve reviewed the walnut count. I’ve reviewed the testimony of a witness (Sequoia) who explicitly issued a limit and watched it get ignored in real time.
This department has operated for years on a simple numbered system. Code 12: in the doorway, not going anywhere, proud of it. Code 9: Cruiser is at the water bowl and there is now water everywhere. These codes have served us well. Neither of them covers this.
This is bigger. This is browner. This required Lauren AND Dad, two separate humans, working in tandem, indoors, with a hose-adjacent implement. That is not a 12. That is not a 9. That did not previously have a number at all.
Effective immediately, I am opening a new file: Code 11. Internally, and possibly permanently, referred to as Code Brown.
Cruiser is Code 11’s inaugural case. He didn’t earn this distinction. He backed into it, repeatedly, one walnut at a time.
The department thanks him for his contribution to the filing system. The department does not thank him for anything else.
Case closed. Reluctantly. From a safe distance. See also: Code 11.