Officer Obnoxious here. Sometimes Detective, sometimes known as Hilux. In younger years, also Richard — as in Richard Cranium, because the tiny humans were, in theory, too small to hear Dad call me a dickhead. Moving along.
I am a dog. A fierce, occasionally near-wolf-like dog, who still enjoys a good treat. I love cheese. I love cheesies. I do not love carrots. I will, on occasion, tolerate a cucumber. I will, less predictably, eat a strawberry. Dad’s problem is that he has never once managed to catch me on a day I’m in a strawberry mood.
His other problem: he thinks he can hide a carrot in plain sight. I planned for a cheesie to be caught, and I won’t be made a fool. I notice when it’s wrong.
I always notice.
Years on the job have sharpened my instincts. The moment it touches my tongue, I know. Real cheesie, or imposter. If it’s an imposter, I employ what I call the catch-and-release technique — quick intake, quicker rejection, zero apologies. Dad finds this both hilarious and infuriating, mostly because of what’s left behind: a small crime scene of half-chewed carrot evidence, scattered across the floor.
The carrot-in-cheesie maneuver is a Code 61 . Code 61 is “Dad thinks he’s clever.” Dad is not clever. Dad has never been clever. I love Dad.
There is one treat, however, that leaves no evidence at all. The sky-raisin. Long-time readers will know this case is ongoing — Season 10, as of this diary. Regular sky-raisins are quick work. The spicy ones take longer: five to ten careful snaps, done properly, so it’s over before there’s any mouth-stabbing to speak of. Either way, it’s finished before Dad’s phone has even focused.
He has never once caught me catching one. He’s heard it. Many times. Daily. It doesn’t matter how he tries — phone up, slow-motion voice, narrating like this is finally the shot. By the time he looks over, the sky-raisin is gone and I am sitting there doing my most innocent face, a dog who has never seen a sky-raisin in his life.
No body, no witness, no confession. That’s just good detective work.
Thankfully, I have a cleanup crew for the cases that do leave a mess. Cruiser and Sequoia handle the carrot debris so I don’t have to. Division of labor. That’s good detective work too.
Case status: ongoing. Suspect (Dad) remains unrepentant.
— Officer Obnoxious
Husky. Alaskan/Siberian. In charge (disputed). Carrot-free (non-negotiable).
Full Code Appendix filed here →