Appendix

Code 1 — Drinking like a one-thousand-dollar-plate restaurant. The room is calm.

Code 2 — I needed to cool down. Only code that matters. Entry is authorized to chest depth only. Chest depth is the line. Crossing the line is rare, special, and commemorated annually by Dad.

Code 3 — Wrestling is only worthy of wrestling when Dad is watching. Also applies to fur. Also applies to monuments.

Code 4 — The Thing is on your neck and you should not bark about it.

Code 5 — Sequoia drinks like a normal dog. Approved. Suspicious.

Code 6 — A car is not a truck. There is nothing to monitor but whatever Dad last ate in it.

Code 7 — Do not listen to Sequoia.

Code 8 — An atmospheric event in a closed vehicle. Source unconfirmed. Source is Cruiser.

Code 9 — Cruiser is at the water bowl and there is now water everywhere.

Code 10 — Sequoia has issued a limit. The limit was five. The limit was ignored. Sequoia would like it noted, for the record, that she said five.

Updated: See also Code 11. Sequoia maintains that everything after Code 11 happened exactly the way she predicted, and that this was, in fact, the entire point of Code 10 existing.

Code 11 — “Code Brown.” Self-inflicted digestive catastrophe, entirely avoidable, occurring at a party, in front of witnesses, with an obvious warning window that was completely ignored anyway. Filed by Hilux. Reluctantly. Inaugural case: Cruiser.

Code 12 — In the doorway. Not going anywhere. Proud of it. May also apply to stumps, if the stump is a good stump.

Code 13 — Dad is carrying me and we are not discussing it.

Code 14 — Pending. Candidate for the hole. I will know it when I see it. This is the Code 99 clause in active use.

Code 15 — A statement of considerable length and alarming brightness. Filed at camp. Witnesses: the grass.

Code 23-19 – Reserved for a situation involving an animal so filthy that, in theory, the correct response is a shave. In practice, Code 23-19 is rarely deployed, because invoking it requires acknowledging the existence of shaving, and I do not acknowledge shaving. Shaving is a Code 4 applied to the entire body. I would rather live with the dirt. I would rather become the dirt. Filing Code 23-19 is a last resort and I hope to never use it. If I ever do, it will be because Cruiser has done something I cannot describe in this report.

Code 33 — Sequoia has made a decision and it is a smell.

Code 41 — I am right here and also I am not. Updated: Also applies to furniture. Especially beds. Especially when Dad is telling me to get down.
Updated: Also applies to pharmaceutical events. See the Wendy’s incident.

Code 61 — Dad thinks he’s clever. Dad is not clever. I love Dad.

Code 88 — Cruiser is chasing the paddleboard and whining.

Code 99 — Pending. I will know it when I see it.